For my girl.

Dreaming With a Broken Heart

Last night, all of my dreams were about Steph. One dream she was accepting an award for something in an outfit that obviously neither my mom or I had approved! It was actually pretty funny now that I think about it. To honor her, my friend Kim and I did a dance on stage wearing flesh colored leotards. Stop...picture that....take it all in folks.

There was a different dream that took me back to my old room. I was holding her and telling her it was okay to go. The sad thing is...I did that...in real life. I woke up in tears. Thankful that I had that time with her when she was more than just a dream. Thankful that she isn't in that state anymore. Thankful that of the millions of memories I have in that bedroom, the most important are the ones I have of her. Even more thankful that most of those memories DON'T involve her laying in that bed. But still...my heart is broken.

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart,

the waking up is the hardest part.

You roll outta bed and down on your knees,

and for the moment you can hardly breathe.

Wondering was she really here?

Is she standing in my room?

No she's not...'cause she's gone gone gone gone gone....."

-John Mayer

Stephanie Phillips

March 8, 1974-July 10, 2010

You're in a better place, I know this. And each time I think of the pain you endured, I praise God for taking you home. I've been so caught up in your fight. I've been so busy taking care of the boys. I've worried so much about Scot. It wasn't until yesterday when I leaned over to kiss your face. As I pressed my face to yours and listened to your short breaths, I knew this would be the last time. All of the sudden, something came over me. I suddenly realized, "I have never stopped to think about how this is going to change things for ME." I never stopped to think about how much I am going to just miss you. I will miss calling you at work to tell you a funny story about the boys. I will miss our girls trips. I will miss the moments where you let your silly side show...my favorites. I will miss telling you stories, you always told me I was funny. I will miss watching you coach. I will miss you my friend, more than you can imagine. I thank you for bringing Scot and the boys into our lives. I love those children like they are my own. I am thankful you trusted me with them and I was able to form an unbreakable bond with them. Your spirit lives in them. Levi has your determination. Drew has your sense of loyalty. I miss you...so much it hurts.

Organized Thoughts....

are not happening. So here are some UN organized thoughts.

I wake up each day feeling as though I have been run over by a bus, or at the very least a conversion van. As soon as that feeling passes, I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I get sad. I stop and think about God's mercy and his amazing blessings. I am peaceful. I hate cancer. My kids are sweet. My husband is sweet...and hot. My house is messy. I learned that it is almost impossible to decrease your caloric intake when kind people from our amazing community are delivering meals accompanied by amazing baked goods. If I lived at my parents house, I would be in real trouble. My 3 year old just asked for cafe Au lait in his sippy cup. I gave it to him. 4 kids is a lot of work. I want another baby. I think Scot Phillips, my mom and my dad are amazing. They have been working around the clock together (and I mean AROUND THE CLOCK) to make sure Steph is comfortable and well cared for. Drew and Levi are precious. I miss my mom. Not as much as I miss Steph. I want to go back to the beach with them. Bad. I want to get up each morning and have coffee by the ocean. Heck, I would settle for coffee poolside in my parents backyard. I love summer. I trust God. That's all I know.

Please Forgive Me.

As you know, we are struggling through a very rough time right now. You can read a little about it HERE. I just thought I knew what a broken heart felt like. Well, I DO know now...and it sucks. I am writing tonight to forewarn you all. I am all over the place right now. My mind is going 90 to nothing. My heart hurts. My body is doing fine because my mom, our friend Shelley and I have devoted ourselves to at least 3 workouts a week with an awesome trainer. I have two goals right now. First, I am determined to keep my kids lives as normal as possible. Second, I will be serving the Phillips family when they need me. I usually get the fun part, I get those sweet boys. That is pretty much all I can do right now. So here is my disclaimer.

If you call, I may not answer. Leave a voicemail and I will get it. (For example, Sheila, I got your voicemail and smiled with your "Pretty Woman" reference.) If it's an emergency keep calling. Text me. I love texting.

I will most likely become a very terrible friend/family member. Please forgive me.

Feel free to stop by anytime...just don't be surprised if you find me and my children still in our pajamas, crumbs on the floor, toys and shoes ALL over.

I forget stuff all the time. Just remember that.

Most importantly...please pray for our family. Pray for a miracle. Thank you a million times.

Worst Fear.

There are a few things in this world that I fear. I have decided that I am afraid of snakes and heights. But I have a FEAR of a few things. I once watched an episode of ER when Cynthia Nixon guest starred as a patient who had suffered a stroke. I remember watching and being completely claustrophobic because she was thinking very clearly, but could NOT say the words she needed to say. The scene gripped me and I have never forgotten it. I made up my mind, THAT would have to be one of the WORST feelings in the world.

Rewind to Wednesday. There was a front moving through so I was not surprised to feel a migraine headache coming on. I usually get tunnel vision and little squiggly lines followed by numbness and tingling in my hands and face...and then the headache. Some days it's no big deal and some days it's debilitating. Wednesday morning didn't seem to be too bad. However, as soon as it passed, it started all over...only with puking this time. Great. Brian got home, I went upstairs to take lots of medicine and pass out. After about 20 minutes, I could tell something was NOT right. I yelled for Brian and he found me in BAD shape. He knew that if the meds could just kick in, I could sleep it off. So as I started to calm down, he thought that was exactly what was happening. Unfortunately, that was not the case. True, I was still and quiet. BUT, it wasn't because I was feeling better. It was because my entire body was paralyzed and I couldn't speak. It was the worst feeling I've ever had. I couldn't see but I managed to say 911, so Brian called an ambulance. They came and took me to the hospital. All the while, I was unable to move or speak much. They drugged me up, scanned my brain and did a spinal tap. They ruled that it was just a VERY serious migraine. I will spare you a lot of the details because it was really VERY traumatizing. I thought for sure that I was having a stroke or an aneurysm. I remember saying (in my head of course), "GOD I don't want to die." I am still recovering from the spinal tap. They say if I keep the fluids coming it should replenish my spinal fluid so I can avoid another needle in my spine.

On the bright side...my brain was free of anything that would be cause for concern, my spinal fluid was crystal clear and I faced one of my biggest fears head on. The adults in my family are still recovering from seeing me like that. Sorry guys.

The Mother Hood.

This little girl made me a mom. She is my little smartie and she purrs when she is happy.

This little guy made me a mommy of two. I'm almost sure he is made of sugar cubes.

This is mine....all mine.

They are brother and sister....

and MOST of the time, great buddies.

These two women made me the mommy I am today.

She raised my husband and molded him into the amazing man he is today.

This beautiful girl is raising my beautiful niece, keeping my brother in line and is one of my very best friends in the world!
I guess what I'm trying to say....is HOORAY for MOTHERHOOD!!!! Thank you God for trusting me with the lives of these little people. Thank you for these wonderful mothers who love and support me.

Happy Mother's Day!!!