Dreaming With a Broken Heart

Last night, all of my dreams were about Steph. One dream she was accepting an award for something in an outfit that obviously neither my mom or I had approved! It was actually pretty funny now that I think about it. To honor her, my friend Kim and I did a dance on stage wearing flesh colored leotards. Stop...picture that....take it all in folks.

There was a different dream that took me back to my old room. I was holding her and telling her it was okay to go. The sad thing is...I did that...in real life. I woke up in tears. Thankful that I had that time with her when she was more than just a dream. Thankful that she isn't in that state anymore. Thankful that of the millions of memories I have in that bedroom, the most important are the ones I have of her. Even more thankful that most of those memories DON'T involve her laying in that bed. But still...my heart is broken.

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart,

the waking up is the hardest part.

You roll outta bed and down on your knees,

and for the moment you can hardly breathe.

Wondering was she really here?

Is she standing in my room?

No she's not...'cause she's gone gone gone gone gone....."

-John Mayer

Stephanie Phillips

March 8, 1974-July 10, 2010

You're in a better place, I know this. And each time I think of the pain you endured, I praise God for taking you home. I've been so caught up in your fight. I've been so busy taking care of the boys. I've worried so much about Scot. It wasn't until yesterday when I leaned over to kiss your face. As I pressed my face to yours and listened to your short breaths, I knew this would be the last time. All of the sudden, something came over me. I suddenly realized, "I have never stopped to think about how this is going to change things for ME." I never stopped to think about how much I am going to just miss you. I will miss calling you at work to tell you a funny story about the boys. I will miss our girls trips. I will miss the moments where you let your silly side show...my favorites. I will miss telling you stories, you always told me I was funny. I will miss watching you coach. I will miss you my friend, more than you can imagine. I thank you for bringing Scot and the boys into our lives. I love those children like they are my own. I am thankful you trusted me with them and I was able to form an unbreakable bond with them. Your spirit lives in them. Levi has your determination. Drew has your sense of loyalty. I miss you...so much it hurts.