First Grade

Yesterday our sweet girl started FIRST grade! I still can't believe I have a first grader! She did great and LOVES her new teacher! Nanny came to pick up Cohen and keep him for the day so I could stay and volunteer at the school all day. Drew insisted on walking Claire to her class and it was absolutely precious! Here are a few pics we snapped!

Claire's Six Pix

Photos by the one and only Auntie Karen @ ByGeorge Photography! What a blessing she is to our family!!

For my girl.

Dreaming With a Broken Heart

Last night, all of my dreams were about Steph. One dream she was accepting an award for something in an outfit that obviously neither my mom or I had approved! It was actually pretty funny now that I think about it. To honor her, my friend Kim and I did a dance on stage wearing flesh colored leotards. Stop...picture that....take it all in folks.

There was a different dream that took me back to my old room. I was holding her and telling her it was okay to go. The sad thing is...I did that...in real life. I woke up in tears. Thankful that I had that time with her when she was more than just a dream. Thankful that she isn't in that state anymore. Thankful that of the millions of memories I have in that bedroom, the most important are the ones I have of her. Even more thankful that most of those memories DON'T involve her laying in that bed. But still...my heart is broken.

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart,

the waking up is the hardest part.

You roll outta bed and down on your knees,

and for the moment you can hardly breathe.

Wondering was she really here?

Is she standing in my room?

No she's not...'cause she's gone gone gone gone gone....."

-John Mayer

Stephanie Phillips

March 8, 1974-July 10, 2010

You're in a better place, I know this. And each time I think of the pain you endured, I praise God for taking you home. I've been so caught up in your fight. I've been so busy taking care of the boys. I've worried so much about Scot. It wasn't until yesterday when I leaned over to kiss your face. As I pressed my face to yours and listened to your short breaths, I knew this would be the last time. All of the sudden, something came over me. I suddenly realized, "I have never stopped to think about how this is going to change things for ME." I never stopped to think about how much I am going to just miss you. I will miss calling you at work to tell you a funny story about the boys. I will miss our girls trips. I will miss the moments where you let your silly side show...my favorites. I will miss telling you stories, you always told me I was funny. I will miss watching you coach. I will miss you my friend, more than you can imagine. I thank you for bringing Scot and the boys into our lives. I love those children like they are my own. I am thankful you trusted me with them and I was able to form an unbreakable bond with them. Your spirit lives in them. Levi has your determination. Drew has your sense of loyalty. I miss you...so much it hurts.

Organized Thoughts....

are not happening. So here are some UN organized thoughts.

I wake up each day feeling as though I have been run over by a bus, or at the very least a conversion van. As soon as that feeling passes, I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I get sad. I stop and think about God's mercy and his amazing blessings. I am peaceful. I hate cancer. My kids are sweet. My husband is sweet...and hot. My house is messy. I learned that it is almost impossible to decrease your caloric intake when kind people from our amazing community are delivering meals accompanied by amazing baked goods. If I lived at my parents house, I would be in real trouble. My 3 year old just asked for cafe Au lait in his sippy cup. I gave it to him. 4 kids is a lot of work. I want another baby. I think Scot Phillips, my mom and my dad are amazing. They have been working around the clock together (and I mean AROUND THE CLOCK) to make sure Steph is comfortable and well cared for. Drew and Levi are precious. I miss my mom. Not as much as I miss Steph. I want to go back to the beach with them. Bad. I want to get up each morning and have coffee by the ocean. Heck, I would settle for coffee poolside in my parents backyard. I love summer. I trust God. That's all I know.

Please Forgive Me.

As you know, we are struggling through a very rough time right now. You can read a little about it HERE. I just thought I knew what a broken heart felt like. Well, I DO know now...and it sucks. I am writing tonight to forewarn you all. I am all over the place right now. My mind is going 90 to nothing. My heart hurts. My body is doing fine because my mom, our friend Shelley and I have devoted ourselves to at least 3 workouts a week with an awesome trainer. I have two goals right now. First, I am determined to keep my kids lives as normal as possible. Second, I will be serving the Phillips family when they need me. I usually get the fun part, I get those sweet boys. That is pretty much all I can do right now. So here is my disclaimer.

If you call, I may not answer. Leave a voicemail and I will get it. (For example, Sheila, I got your voicemail and smiled with your "Pretty Woman" reference.) If it's an emergency keep calling. Text me. I love texting.

I will most likely become a very terrible friend/family member. Please forgive me.

Feel free to stop by anytime...just don't be surprised if you find me and my children still in our pajamas, crumbs on the floor, toys and shoes ALL over.

I forget stuff all the time. Just remember that.

Most importantly...please pray for our family. Pray for a miracle. Thank you a million times.