Friday, December 19, 2008

Does it ever truly go away?

**Update** You all should know that my husband does not share my views on this one! That's okay though...he pretty much has the final say around here anyway! Love you Big Daddy!

Two years ago, Big Daddy decided together that we were officially "done" having children. One boy, one girl....we are set. But answer me this. Will I ever really feel like I'm done? Will I ever be totally okay with not having a little one to cuddle? I'm sure my family (who was so supportive when I was miserable while pregnant with Coco) would like to remind me of how we ALL suffered through my last pregnancy. But I am a completely different person than I was two years ago. I can't help but wonder how my new found faith in our Lord would change the way I dealt with pregnancy. I can't help but wonder if we screwed up. NO Big Daddy, I am not saying you need to hit up the Shepard's reversal doctor! But I know, based on scripture, that I was not obedient to the Lord. HE is the one who is supposed to open and close the womb...not Dr. McClippy. (No, that's not his real name!) Please know that I do NOT take this post lightly. I am really going out on a limb here sharing my heart.

I have seen so many people struggle to get pregnant and I feel worse each story I hear. I am perfectly capable of carrying healthy children to term. Was I selfish to just put a stop to it just like that? What makes me think that I know better than God? Whoooweee, I certainly think a lot of myself now don't I? Ugh.

So for now, I will still be a little disappointed every time that day rolls around when my body tells me that I am no doubt withOUT child. Of course....that should have happened last week. **wink wink** But I will accept that the longing I feel is God's way of reminding me that HE is in control. Maybe I will think twice before making such a huge decision without consulting long and hard with scripture.


Teri said...

Dr. Wilson in Oklahoma and Dr. Stanton in Arkansas. We used the later. (Hey - he is a heart surgeon!)

NO! It never goes away.

Jessica said...

That decision can be reversed! You didn't know at the time you would want more- don't beat yourself up over it! The best thing you can do is pray about it - you never know what God might be telling you!


Nanny said...

I only birthed 2 children BUT because of my need to mother I have "hopefully" made a difference in more lives than 2! YOU can do the same (& Big Daddy will stay happy)!

Jessica said...

*UPDATE* I agree with Nanny. There's so many other ways you can "mother!" HOWEVER.......if you DO end up having another one, and it's a boy, I get dibs on him for Adilynn. Even though she'll be older, she's going to need a tall boy! :) PS God can change Big Daddy's mind too!

Samantha said...

Hi, What a great post. I have to remind myself so often that God is in Control of my life and he has the perfect plan for me. I need to turn to scripture more and asking him for guidance.... I hope you find comfort in whatever decision you make! :)
- Samantha

rachel said...

First of all, I love your blog. It is so encouraging to me. Your gratitude for the blessings God has placed in your life is so inspiring. I haven't read it in a couple of months but today I'm sick in bed with the flu so I'm catching up. This post couldn't of been more timely to me. I am reading the book Be Fruitful and Multiply. Let me tell you my story. As if you have a choice :)! I had an extremely difficult pregnancy with my second. It resulted in me losing her twin halfway through. I was in the hospital a lot with severe all day sickness, as in throw up 20 times a day sickness. I told God that I was done. No more pregnancies. What was I thinking making that decision myself? Any way, God led us to adopt our Oliver and our family was complete. My husband and I both agreed. Then, last summer I found out I was pregnant. I cried for 2 weeks. I told God He had made a mistake, I didn't want another child, especially not 4 in 5 years! I was so angry. I went through a serious depression. And all because God wanted to bless us with another child. I ended up having a nice pregnancy under the care of an awesome midwife. I even got to deliver little Daisy here at home. It was one of the best experiences of my life. I did some serious repenting while holding my newborn daughter. I was so thankful for her. 4 kids in 5 years has not been any where near as hard as I had imagined. (Trying to homeschool on the other hand...has not been easy!)

I would like more children, either by birth or adoption. My husband, on the other hand, is totally done. We haven't done anything permanent but we are considering it. The book has really confronted me with the fact that while it is our Father's decision to open and close our wombs, He also tells me to honor my husband. I can pray otherwise, and I do, but I know that the decision ultimately rests in Matt's hands. No matter how much I covet other people's sweet newborns or leave adoption pamphlets laying around the house hoping he will find them. I know it is hard to sit back and let your husband decide but I think that there is a wonderful peace that comes with knowing we are not held accountable for this decision. Sorry to talk you ear off, I just found this post so timely.

Aimee Kieffer, aka "Momzoo" said...

I have 5 children, and we did the same thing after number 5 was born. I regret it everyday of my life. I so wish we had never done it and so does my husband.

I, like you, am a diffrent person than I was two years ago, I know we could have had more and I feel so bad that we won't.

We have been talking about a reversal, it may or may not happen, but for now I just try to enjoy and be thankful for the babies I do have.