Last month, I had a REALLY bad week. It's really hard for me to even post that on here because my "bad" doesn't look near as bad as another person's "bad," but it was still hard. Big Daddy was out of town for the week. I woke up Monday with a migraine. I was bummed because my mom was coming over to spend the day. Instead of hanging out and decorating, I was sleeping it off. However, I was thankful that my mom was here to hang with Cohen while I slept. That night I went to bed with a "migraine hangover" but was sure I would be fine. Uh...no. I woke up in the middle of the night and was SICK! I finally had to call my mom and ask if she could come get the kids ready and take them to school. I then proceeded to puke for days. I had to stay with my parents because I could not get out of bed!
**My mother is a saint. On the two days that Cohen and Levi had school she would get all FOUR kids ready, take them ALL into Drew's school to drop him off. She would put three back in the car and make the 20 minute drive to drop Claire off then back to Springfield to take the little boys to school!
So, during this time I was also having an emotional melt down. My faith was shaky at best. I couldn't believe how weak I felt physically and mentally. As I lay there I beat myself up. How on earth can I feel so bad when one of my best friends in the world is fighting for her life with such strength and courage?? Why can't I just suck it up? I became almost disabled by fear. I feared the outcome of Steph's fight with cancer. I feared the sickness that was raging in my body. I hated the fact that I added more to my mom's plate. (Make no mistake, my mom is happy to help and was thrilled to have so much time with my kids. She LOVED every second of it, so I'm not sure why I was worried about that!) I missed my husband and was terrified that he would get stuck in New York due to the pending snow storm projected to hit the east coast.
The week went on and don't you know it...God prevailed. I still felt pretty bad but Brian was on one of the VERY FEW flights that got out of NYC before the snow storm hit. He made it home and the weekend came. I went to the doctor on Monday (Yes, I waited until Monday because I seriously could not get out of bed!) and found that I had an ear infection that was causing all kinds of problems. My doctor actually asked if she could look at my ear again because she had never seen anything like it! (P.S. my ear NEVER hurt!) On Tuesday we went to Lifeway and I found a great book that I am still trying to finish. Fearless but Max Lucado. It was as if the book jumped off the shelf into my arms. Hmmm, I wonder how that happened?? I am convinced that God didn't hear my prayers. He heard my mom's prayers. I know she was praying for me. I know she was praying that I could find peace. And I did.
I know God wants me to be a lot of things, but afraid is not one of them. By being full of fear, I am being disobedient to Him. By focusing on the things that terrify me, I am ignoring the things that should be filling my soul with joy. I have done A LOT of praying and soul searching. I have come to some conclusions and I will share them when the time is right. As hard as life has been in the past few years...it's getting harder. I don't know exactly what the future holds but I DO know one thing. I know that I will not survive with the attitude I had last month. Worrying, feeling guilty and being afraid is not going to make Steph's cancer go away. If it could, I'm pretty sure my dad and I could have cured her about a year ago. I don't have all the answers, and never will, but I trust in God's plan. I am thankful for His promise to me. I am also thankful for His decision to put me in this amazing family. Because of these things, I am determined to be fearless.