I always knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom. Of course for years, I fought it. I was in college, getting a degree and I was determined to have a career. Then the discussions started happening between me and Big Daddy. The time was drawing near. It was almost time to start trying for a baby. My whole outlook changed. Logistics played a huge part. I was going to school to become an educator of the deaf and hard of hearing. When I really stopped to think about it...it just didn't add up. How on earth could I justify working outside the home when I would be spending the majority of my income on childcare. I would be making a VERY small amount of money and in return....someone else would raise my children. That was a deal I was not willing to take.
So it was decided. I would stay at home. I had it all worked out in my head. I would be gently awakened each morning as the sun streamed in and kissed my cheeks. I would tip toe in and check on my little cherub as she was still peacefully sleeping in her perfect crib in her perfect room. I would shower and get myself ready for the day then get her up to nurse her. I would dress her in one of her beautiful outfits and we would head into town for lunch or maybe some shopping. I would get home in time to have dinner on the table. We would have dinner and then play with our little sweet and she would be completely engaged in whatever educational game or toy we were using. Bath time would be next followed by a story and then bed. We would lay her in her crib and she would slowly drift into dreamland.
Here is how it really went. After being up every two hours ALL night long, I would stagger to her room because she was screaming bloody murder. I would be welcomed by a smell that could only mean that the diaper she was wearing had not done its job. I would give HER a bath and forgo my own....again. I would feed her a bottle because after all it had been 2 hours since her last bottle. (I gave up the dream of nursing about 12 hours into the whole deal...enter the first complication of insulin problems) She was always dressed cute...I will give myself that. The kid had more clothes than I care to admit. I would try to make it through the day without crying (which rarely happened...thank you post-partum depression.) and when Big Daddy finally got home after what seemed like years....we would order pizza, eat a sandwich or a bowl of cereal. Big Daddy would play with her for a bit and then one of us would rock her to sleep. After laying her in her crib (if she didn't wake up right away which meant you had to start all over again.) you had to creep EVER so quietly out of the room taking extra care not to step on the squeaky part of the floor. However, the squeak was located right in front of her bedroom door...so it was pretty much impossible to avoid. If her little head popped up...you failed and had to start all over. The first seven months of Claire's life were a blur. I wish I could go back and do them again....I really do. I have learned so much since then.
We finally got into a better routine. My lifeline was my job at the bookstore. It helped me to get out of the house and interact with others. I worked with a great group of ladies and had so much fun. The best part was our little nursery we had set up in my mom's office. Claire came with me and everyone adored her. I did the same thing when Cohen was born. I remember strapping him to my chest and working away! I sure do miss that place!
I still fought the stay at home mom thing. I felt repressed. I felt the life being sucked out of me. I felt like there was so much more out there than strained peas, baby Einstein and a daily incident with poop. It wasn't until I had Cohen that I really started to get it. There IS more out there....but maybe, just maybe, I don't really want any part of it! I began to see my job in the home as exactly that. A JOB. I imagined getting a performance review from my boss. I can say without a doubt, I would have been fired. I thought about my jobs that I had in the past. I gave nothing but 100% to my past employers. Why is it okay that I was giving my family less than that? It wasn't. When I was finally honest with myself, I knew it was time for a change. I began a Bible study that changed my marriage. I started blogging which has been the best thing I have ever started and one of the only things I didn't quit 10 days into. I began to focus on the positive. Out with the bad...in with the good.
You see, I spent so much time focusing on what I WASN'T getting to do that I completely lost sight of the things I DO get to do. I got to be there. I have yet to miss a first. I was there for her first smile and his first giggle. I watched them and cheered when they rolled over for the first time. I heard the first words they uttered and beamed with pride as they pulled up to our ottoman in the living room. I watched nervously as they toddled along taking their first steps. And this morning, I sit here and continue to count my blessings for new reasons. I get to listen to their conversations when they don't know I'm listening. I get to hear them say things like, "Good try" and "Good game" when playing games together and get to take credit for their good sportsmanship. I am spending a lazy spring break with my kids! We don't have to be anywhere! We have been getting up and being totally lazy. I get to sit and drink coffee while blogging and watching the kids play. LOVE IT. I've said it before and I'll say it again....THANK YOU Big Daddy for working so hard so I can stay....um....WORK at home!!!