Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Batter Up!

Last night, as I was headed up the stairs to go to bed, something caught my eye. I stopped in my tracks and waited. I saw it again and BOLTED upstairs. "BIG DADDY...THERE IS SOMETHING IN THE HOUSE." He was not terribly concerned at first because I have a tendency to blow things out of proportion from time to time. "BABE. I'm serious...there is something flying around." That got his attention, because we have A LOT of bats out here in The Hills. If you want to freak Big Daddy's freak...talk about bats. He tried to keep it cool and told me, "Well...go look and see." I peeked out of our room and flipped on the lights just in time to see our little nocturnal friend buzz by again.

I ran back in our room and did the heebie geebie dance and informed him that it was indeed a bat. His eyes got huge and he froze. "Babe, you know I don't do bats." That's when I knew...I was on my own.

I did what any girl would do. I called my mommy and daddy of course! They tried, through their whooping laughter to guide me through this little adventure. I decided I would shoot it. I got my pellet gun and put the rents on speaker phone. I found our little buddy hanging out on our rock fire place. Here is the conversation that took place.

Me: "I'm just going to shoot it."
Dad: "Just reach up there and grab it and throw the D!#$ thing out the door."
Me: "Um....no. I'm gonna shoot it."
Me: "No I won't...but maybe I will put on some glasses."
(Found Big Daddy's shades. Put them on)
Dad: "make sure you are straight on."
Me: "Wouldn't it be better at a 45 degree angle?"
Dad: "No."
Me: "Ok."
Dad: "If you're gonna shoot it, steady your gun on a chair."
Me: "Got it."
Me: "You should see me. Sunglasses, greasy hair, pellet gun...hot."
Dad: "Where is Brian?"
Dad: (laughing hysterically)
Mom: "Don't shoot! I'm googling!"
Mom: "It says, 'you should not have bats flying in your house!'"
Me: "NO $&#@ MOM!"
Me: "I can't see with these glasses on."
Dad: "Take them off."
Me: "I'm shooting." (Fires a shot) PING!
Mom and Dad: (laughing hysterically) "Did you get it?"
Me: "I don't think so."
Me: "whoops."
Mom and Dad: (more laughing)

Big Daddy comes down at some point...wearing his superhero tighties. Awesome.
Big Daddy (from the staircase): "JUST KEEP SHOOTING!"
Me: "Okay, fine."

Either I'm a bad shot (which I highly doubt), bats have really thick skin or the most likely of all...I couldn't bring myself to get close enough to do any real damage. At any rate, plan A was a major fail. Which is good because I don't look good in orange.

Dad: "Open all the windows and doors, go get Brian's ball retriever from his golf bag and smack it so it will fly out."
Big Daddy: "I will get the ball retriever."

Mom: "It says you should cover your skin in case the bat has rabies. Has it been in contact with your dog?"
Me: "No, Queen Google...not as far as I know."

Windows are open, and the house is now a cool 90 degrees. I grab a fleece blanket to cover myself and grab the ball retriever. I have started to sweat profusely...super sexy. I approach the bat....

Me: "I'm going to set the phone down...and I'm probably gonna scream."
Mom and Dad: "Okay."

I poke at the bat...it flies directly at my face. I collapse to the floor, covered in my blanket and scream my ever lovin' head off. I peek out of my blanket only to see that sucker flying straight for my face! I retreat back to my blanket fort and scream my ever lovin' head off again.

Me: "I'm FINE!"
Dad: "Is it out??"
Me: "I don't know! Brian! Is it out? Brian???? Babe?"

*Big Daddy had retreated to our bedroom...door shut.*

I peeked out and didn't see our furry friend. I checked the house and found no trace. I closed the windows back up and puffed my chest out. HMPF! I did it...and I didn't even break the law...that much.


Andi said...

Was laughing hard reading this. Thanks for sharing.

Sheila said...

OH MY GOSH!! I am ROLLING on my bed, laughing HYSTERICALLY here! Tears are falling down my face. HAHAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! I'm so glad you warned the parents you were going to scream..Bawahaaa! I can SOO see your mom propped up in her bed w/ her glasses on googling...Heehee! And hearing Dad laughing (can't spell that!) Hooo....my tummy hurts! And YOU under the fleece blanket in this HEAT! Glad Major's OK! LOL!! YOU ARE AWESOME!!

Jean said...

Oh my Google! I can't believe you were on the speaker phone with the units through all this. Tears are running down my face, Chrissy! How badly did you damage the fireplace? Sheila is correct, you are indeed awesome!

Diana Dysart said...

How funny ! I know the heebie jeebie dance sooooo well !!! Glad the bat is gone and no one was injured... including the bat ! How funny !!! Diana