Monday, September 20, 2010

Swirling.

I haven't had much bloggyness in me lately. Yes bloggyness is a word. I have a lot swirling around in my head right now but my main focus has been on my kids, my husband and my home. You see, my home has been tossed to the wayside. When you are watching someone you love so dearly live out the last days of her life...clean windows don't matter. So as the dust settled (literally) I looked around at what all had accumulated and became overwhelmed. My floors were terrible, there were piles everywhere, bills were going unpaid simply because I had not even opened them, I had not cooked a meal in months and our routine was shot. And guess what. I didn't care. The piles weren't going anywhere. The dust would just move around until I got to it. The bills...even the people calling about those, knew our story and were quick to offer a prayer and tell me to take my time. That's right...I said the person calling about my unpaid medical bills said she would be praying for us!!!!! My family didn't starve thanks to Godfather's pizza, McAllister's, the clubhouse, meals brought to my parent's house and Scot with his mile high stack of gift cards!! We survived. She didn't. I will NEVER regret the days I spent by her side. I will NEVER remember the messy house that sat empty all summer. I would not trade my days with her for the world. I also recognized that it was time, for my children and husband's sake, to pull in the reigns. So I've been doing my best, which some days isn't really very good, to get this house running in the right direction. Not because I feel pressure from the world or other people....but because my family is happier when the house is running smoothly...because I'm happier.


I also have been thinking a lot about and researching the topic of "Publishing Your Own Book." You know...just because I find it interesting. I also missed a phone call from someone that works in a place where they publish books.....so there's that.


I also began talking with a sweet mother of a girl in Claire's class. I knew her last year but she approached me at the beginning of the year about our situation. She said she had heard about our summer and said she understood completely how I felt. Her best friend passed away 10 years ago of a brain tumor leaving behind a nine year old little girl. A few days later, I asked her a little more about it. I worked up the nerve to ask, "Does it ever get any easier?" Her tears told me all I needed to know. I just miss her so much. Halloween will be hard. She has always been a part of our Fall Fun Day. We used to carve pumpkins (before we had kids) but now we do crafts, make cookies and our famous brownie that we decorate like a pumpkin. We have dinner and take the kids begging for candy. This will be the first year we have trick-or-treated without her. I will never forget this moment. 2 years ago. She was sick from chemo, but was carrying my child through the neighborhood. She was so amazing. Little did we know,two years later, we would be carrying her...in our hearts.

3 comments:

Greenthumbmom said...

Just wanted to say I'm thinking about all of you still! On September 10th I thought about how it had been 2 months. The firsts of everything without your loved one are the hardest and the emptiness never goes away! I always have a hard time with all of Laura's firsts because someone isn't by my side watching her with me...but, he is watching over her and seeing all the exciting things she gets to do and does. Life does go on...just different from what you thought it would always be!

Mike said...

You need to know that I lost my mom in May, three really good friends in the last 13 months and one very close friend two years before that, all to some form of cancer, (3 of them pancreatic). Your blog brings sunshine to each day I read something new. Keep it up. It helps us ALL. Praying for you!

Kati said...

Chrissy, I dropped by to see what was going on in your little world. This made me so sad. You are such a wonderful friend.