Stephanie Phillips

March 8, 1974-July 10, 2010

You're in a better place, I know this. And each time I think of the pain you endured, I praise God for taking you home. I've been so caught up in your fight. I've been so busy taking care of the boys. I've worried so much about Scot. It wasn't until yesterday when I leaned over to kiss your face. As I pressed my face to yours and listened to your short breaths, I knew this would be the last time. All of the sudden, something came over me. I suddenly realized, "I have never stopped to think about how this is going to change things for ME." I never stopped to think about how much I am going to just miss you. I will miss calling you at work to tell you a funny story about the boys. I will miss our girls trips. I will miss the moments where you let your silly side show...my favorites. I will miss telling you stories, you always told me I was funny. I will miss watching you coach. I will miss you my friend, more than you can imagine. I thank you for bringing Scot and the boys into our lives. I love those children like they are my own. I am thankful you trusted me with them and I was able to form an unbreakable bond with them. Your spirit lives in them. Levi has your determination. Drew has your sense of loyalty. I miss you...so much it hurts.

Organized Thoughts....

are not happening. So here are some UN organized thoughts.

I wake up each day feeling as though I have been run over by a bus, or at the very least a conversion van. As soon as that feeling passes, I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I get sad. I stop and think about God's mercy and his amazing blessings. I am peaceful. I hate cancer. My kids are sweet. My husband is sweet...and hot. My house is messy. I learned that it is almost impossible to decrease your caloric intake when kind people from our amazing community are delivering meals accompanied by amazing baked goods. If I lived at my parents house, I would be in real trouble. My 3 year old just asked for cafe Au lait in his sippy cup. I gave it to him. 4 kids is a lot of work. I want another baby. I think Scot Phillips, my mom and my dad are amazing. They have been working around the clock together (and I mean AROUND THE CLOCK) to make sure Steph is comfortable and well cared for. Drew and Levi are precious. I miss my mom. Not as much as I miss Steph. I want to go back to the beach with them. Bad. I want to get up each morning and have coffee by the ocean. Heck, I would settle for coffee poolside in my parents backyard. I love summer. I trust God. That's all I know.

Please Forgive Me.

As you know, we are struggling through a very rough time right now. You can read a little about it HERE. I just thought I knew what a broken heart felt like. Well, I DO know now...and it sucks. I am writing tonight to forewarn you all. I am all over the place right now. My mind is going 90 to nothing. My heart hurts. My body is doing fine because my mom, our friend Shelley and I have devoted ourselves to at least 3 workouts a week with an awesome trainer. I have two goals right now. First, I am determined to keep my kids lives as normal as possible. Second, I will be serving the Phillips family when they need me. I usually get the fun part, I get those sweet boys. That is pretty much all I can do right now. So here is my disclaimer.

If you call, I may not answer. Leave a voicemail and I will get it. (For example, Sheila, I got your voicemail and smiled with your "Pretty Woman" reference.) If it's an emergency keep calling. Text me. I love texting.

I will most likely become a very terrible friend/family member. Please forgive me.

Feel free to stop by anytime...just don't be surprised if you find me and my children still in our pajamas, crumbs on the floor, toys and shoes ALL over.

I forget stuff all the time. Just remember that.

Most importantly...please pray for our family. Pray for a miracle. Thank you a million times.

Worst Fear.

There are a few things in this world that I fear. I have decided that I am afraid of snakes and heights. But I have a FEAR of a few things. I once watched an episode of ER when Cynthia Nixon guest starred as a patient who had suffered a stroke. I remember watching and being completely claustrophobic because she was thinking very clearly, but could NOT say the words she needed to say. The scene gripped me and I have never forgotten it. I made up my mind, THAT would have to be one of the WORST feelings in the world.

Rewind to Wednesday. There was a front moving through so I was not surprised to feel a migraine headache coming on. I usually get tunnel vision and little squiggly lines followed by numbness and tingling in my hands and face...and then the headache. Some days it's no big deal and some days it's debilitating. Wednesday morning didn't seem to be too bad. However, as soon as it passed, it started all over...only with puking this time. Great. Brian got home, I went upstairs to take lots of medicine and pass out. After about 20 minutes, I could tell something was NOT right. I yelled for Brian and he found me in BAD shape. He knew that if the meds could just kick in, I could sleep it off. So as I started to calm down, he thought that was exactly what was happening. Unfortunately, that was not the case. True, I was still and quiet. BUT, it wasn't because I was feeling better. It was because my entire body was paralyzed and I couldn't speak. It was the worst feeling I've ever had. I couldn't see but I managed to say 911, so Brian called an ambulance. They came and took me to the hospital. All the while, I was unable to move or speak much. They drugged me up, scanned my brain and did a spinal tap. They ruled that it was just a VERY serious migraine. I will spare you a lot of the details because it was really VERY traumatizing. I thought for sure that I was having a stroke or an aneurysm. I remember saying (in my head of course), "GOD I don't want to die." I am still recovering from the spinal tap. They say if I keep the fluids coming it should replenish my spinal fluid so I can avoid another needle in my spine.

On the bright side...my brain was free of anything that would be cause for concern, my spinal fluid was crystal clear and I faced one of my biggest fears head on. The adults in my family are still recovering from seeing me like that. Sorry guys.

The Mother Hood.

This little girl made me a mom. She is my little smartie and she purrs when she is happy.

This little guy made me a mommy of two. I'm almost sure he is made of sugar cubes.

This is mine....all mine.

They are brother and sister....

and MOST of the time, great buddies.

These two women made me the mommy I am today.

She raised my husband and molded him into the amazing man he is today.

This beautiful girl is raising my beautiful niece, keeping my brother in line and is one of my very best friends in the world!
I guess what I'm trying to say....is HOORAY for MOTHERHOOD!!!! Thank you God for trusting me with the lives of these little people. Thank you for these wonderful mothers who love and support me.

Happy Mother's Day!!!

The Secret Mission.

In my previous post, I mentioned a secret mission. Here it is.

Yes, that is my wrist. Yes, it IS real. No, I still can't believe I did it. But here's how it came about.

A few years ago Big Daddy took me out for our 5th anniversary. We talked at dinner about getting tattoos to commemorate the occasion. Well, we couldn't decide what we wanted and in the end...it was getting late and none of the reputable shops were open. Over the next few years, we would joke about getting tattoos but I could never think of anything that I really wanted. UNTIL...my 30th birthday! We were eating dinner and Big Daddy asked me what I wanted to do afterwards. I mentioned the tattoo thing again and he suggested that we both get Matthew 19:6. After consulting my Bible app on my phone, I agreed that it was EXACTLY what I wanted! I decided that my wrist will probably be the last place on my body to get fat and/or wrinkly so the tat should go there. It's also super easy to hide if need be. So off we went. It didn't hurt too bad, but it totally freaked me out. The thought of something so permanent on my person, was a lot to take in. But after the shock wore off...I was happy with it. I did panic a little because I was SO afraid that my phone app and the 5 websites I checked were wrong and I would have a Bible verse quoting lineage permanently stamped on my wrist. I even went so far as to ask Wayne, the tattoo artist, if they had a Bible there in the tattoo shop. He chuckled and said they didn't have one in house but he would be happy to check Bible.com for me!

So there you have it! Cat's out of the bag!

Thirty.

Well, it's official. I am 30. I never really gave it much thought until about a month ago. I will admit the thought of saying goodbye to my twenties did cause a small instant of panic. My twenties were good to me. I got engaged and married my high school sweetheart and man of my dreams, I graduated from college, got accepted into graduate school, survived one semester of grad school, made a huge choice to drop out and make babies (hands down BEST decision I ever made), sold MY first house, purchased OUR first house, made two perfect babies, started a blog, moved to the neighborhood we always dreamed of living, made our new house a home, walked our first born into Kindergarten....and now here we are.

That's not to say that my twenties were all sunshine and rainbows. We also watched our little Drew be airlifted to St. Louis when he was just hours old, said goodbye to our sweet friend Jeff Wester, we watched Jeff Melton succumb to melanoma, we were handed the devastating blow of a stage 4 colon cancer diagnosis of our precious Steph, we cried out to Jesus as he took my uncle sooner than we had planned.

But here's the deal. I am excited. God has blessed me with 30 years on this planet. Some moments were definitely better than others. Some moments were so good I could hardly believe I wasn't in Heaven. I know for certain, that God's will has been and is being done in my life. You really can't get any better than that. I don't know what He has in store for me during the next decade of my life, but I am excited to find out.

As for my birthday celebration...it was WONDERFUL!! I spent the day with my sister-in-law having the MOTHER of all garage sales!! My mother-in-law brought birthday donuts and made sure the kids were well supervised so Big Daddy could help keep the crowd outside under control. Really, he just wanted to make sure that I didn't sell Rexy the dino for anything less than $10. He gave me LOTS of cute stuff for my birthday then took me out on a hot date. We saw a movie (The Backup Plan...LAME-O), then went to eat crab legs at Flame (our favorite), then we went on a secret mission. More on that later.
This was on the way downtown. That handsome guy in the driver's seat...that's my boy toy. He's in his 20's. Does that make me a cougar? Oooooh I hope so.